my life, as a movie soundtrack

opening credits: if i didn't believe in you - carl. j. hulden (enough said)

waking up: speed trials - elliott smith ("it's just a brief smile crossing over your face")

first day of school: shiny - the decembrists ("a tawny gypsy girl sleeping blanketed by stars")

"They both turned at the same time. They were close against each other. She felt him trembling and her fists were tight enough to crack. 'Oh, God,' he kept saying over and over. It was like her head was broke off from her body and thrown away. And her eyes looked up straight into the blinding sun while she counted something in her mind. And then this was the way.

This was how it was."

- The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter Carson McCullers

this is what i've been loving lately, this and a little dickens. i always put dickens and twain in the same club, and i will be an old and wizened woman before i come to love twain - but dickens, dickens wooed me in a way i hadn't expected. nothing like the carson mccullers of my love right now, or the 'middlesex' or 'orlando' of this summer; maybe i was particularly interested, because it was inadvertent character research. one of the characters coming to live in me for the duration of our show ('spring's awakening'), is a little teenage ruffian deserted in a reformatory (in germany, in 1891, in the expressionist period, in the words of frank wedekind) - think 'orlick' or 'drummle' from 'great expectations'. but his name is 'gaston', which is never-endingly funny, topped only by the fact that his sole scene is the act three circle jerk of joy (other highlights of the play include: rape, S&M, domestic violence, abortion, death, suicide). other characters from that play, also - lots of exciting work to do, lots of creative challenge. and in acting class, 'portia' from 'the merchant of venice' and 'julia' from 'two noble kinsmen'. and in voice, 'ann' from 'man and superman'. it seems like an overwhelming amount of people - but one month into the semester of them, and i am feeling more and more excited / wonderful every day. so that is my brief tract on "my college experience fucking rocks: several reasons". also, we take stage combat twice a week, which i refer to as mortal combat, because it is more fun, and we kick ASS and takes names, and i know how to commit suicide several ways, and i can dodge a vorpal blade and throw my head into a wall without cranial damage.

in other news: (i don't really have a thought, here, i'm just kind of babbling - i'd journal this shit, but my journal is the really private, really... well, whatever stuff i don't feel like the world wide web community is privy to) family is wonderful - they came this past weekend for the twin cities medtronic ten mile and the marathon - tessa and i ran the ten mile twenty minutes faster than i thought we would (one hour, 37 minutes, some seconds), and it was the most fun day. we laughed the whole way. people would be yelling, "hey, go julia! nice job!" and i'd jump around and yell back: "yeah! thanks! woo!" which made me crazy-girl. i also had a math-related epiphany last night, while michael was helping me with logic. i won't bore you with the details, but it was fun - math usually exists for me in a very literal realm of intellectual struggle, and i never kick into any higher, more enlightened understanding of the concepts. i had a romantic revelation last night, also! i am so attracted to upheaval. people in change, in transition. i think upheaval indicates dramatic tension in someone's life, and it makes for thought-provocation and interesting conversation, and maybe i have the impression that comfortable, adjusted people are boring. not to say that this thesis is applicable anywhere else in my relationships or personal life - whatever. i am missing my friends, thinking on that, and hoping i see them sooner rather than later. i still haven't decided what to do about christmas break - i have this free plane ticket (a weird, wonderful windfall from my trip to wichita last spring), and it is burning a hole in my pocket crying "boston! boston in january!" and "new york! new york to a dance program!" and "chicago! take me to chicago, so i can eat at the russian tea room with kaitlin again and cry over tarts!" or maybe that last one is just my belly, which should shut the fuck up - i've been gorging for days. there's so much sense of accomplishment in finishing a package of oreos by yourself - and then immediate worry, contemplation hastily the near-certain after-effects of cellulite, etc. sorry - cellulite is a shitty way to end a paragraph.

i will not lie to you, xanga community: i downloaded the pussy cat dolls yesterday, and i am very excited about it. in other music news, saw cake last weekend with nels = awesome. they played 'shadow stabbing', one of my favorite songs (from one of my favorite mixed cds, a la kaitlin). and i finally realized what the phrase "townies" means in the further seems forever song 'snowbirds and townies' which is weird - but i supposed revelation comes at any time. and i found a lot of fun music last night for singing class, and i am slowly accepting the fact that i can sing (and the fact that i have typed it here is proof - because god forbid some random asshole reading this questions this truth i know to be self-evident (i was trying to get glibe and quote "we hold these truths to blah blah blah" but the art of allegory, or whatever it is called, is dead in an age of modern society where information is so vast and accessible every statement is a quotation from something if only we'd had the time to read it all) and in that vein, fuck the categorists who claim that dancer-girls are left without vocal skillz because i will strive to attain triple-threated mastery!!!) (just kidding). (but really, i think i can sing - many thanks to erik fiebiger who never doubted it, and reminded me of it, even when i was a little bitch).

"hey. been tryin to meet you... mmm." (the pixies, NOT the pussy cat dolls)

i spell checked again. "pussy", "asshole", and of all things, "fuck" are not real. ha-ha.

Currently Listening Put Your Records on By Corinne Bailey Rae see related

on the eve of another semester, following three (counting summer), i cannot say that i am completely prepared for the rigors of academia, and more specifically, the rigors of the second year of our program. i cannot say that i relaxed enough, saw all the people i wanted to see, or even finished all the books i planned on ('the heart is a lonely hunter', 'paradise lost', to name two). but i can say that i made great memories (too many to highlight - jaime corn-dogging me might have to be a top-ten), made new friends (again, jaime with the corn-dogging), and settled into a more focused, more joyful attitude that will undoubtedly benefit me as i move into a very strenuous year. i could say a lot of other trite crap about letting go, holding on, learning lessons of the heart and soul and chicken soup and you know, but i'd rather focus on goals and let those precious moments work themselves out in my subconscious. and because this fucking format has altered my life (thank god i don't cry about moving furniture any more, or i'd cry over the spell-check option which by the way - for the motherfuckers who couldn't spell in the first place, it was funnier to read typos than know every last bastard spell-checked the shit out of their entry as yet another example of primping our personal thoughts for the palates of the masses whose opinions we so dearly esteem) (i spell-checked "subconscious", anyway, but i've accepted my bastard-dom), i will use the "list" option:

• floss (yeah, i know, it's disgusting not to floss. and i know that the bacteria we swallow daily, which fester in the oral cavity in crevices so easily reached by dental floss, will probably mutate and destroy our immune systems. i also know that none of you floss, either.)
• shift my intellectual filter in "the work" from one of fear to one of joy, which i experience so regularly on an internal level
• do "fun" things more than twice a semester

i'd also like to make a new friend, revel in the process of the first full play i will create with my company, and "get fit". i know people with personalities aren't supposed to worry about appearances, but for christ's sake, i want a cute butt and i damn well deserve it. i had this really bizarre thought this afternoon - so - i have a haircut that looks just a bit like florence henderson. and my last haircut looked much more like florence henderson, and on the way back to long-haired-loveliness, i will experience at least one more "florence" incarnation, and i always want to say to people "oh, this isn't how i usually look". as in - what else do i "usually" look like, anyway? i "usually" had very long hair. and then, for quite a while, i "usually" had short hair. and now, i "usually" have in between hair. and people say a lot of things about "usually" to avoid what they are doing, or the way they are doing it, right now; it became very funny to me. kind of like a housewife butchering her husband for dinner, and little timmy asks "mommy, why are you doing that to daddy with the butcher knife?" and mommy says "well, little timmy, i don't usually behave like this. but your father looked at mrs. nygard sunbathing in her garden again, and anyway, i'd usually use the electric carving knife. it's much more efficient." my english-student skills prevent me from ending this "paragraph" with a quotation, because that's totally inappropriate, and totally annoying when peer-editing (which is also totally inappropriate, and totally annoying). and i spell-checked again. corn-dogging isn't real. but i'd have to argue that for one who has experienced this glory, it feels very perversely real.

"i am wasted but i'm ready..." - ben kweller (who i was loving live in concert less than a month ago)